I woke up this morning with a funny taste in my head.
Tag Archive for 'love'
Ich hab schon schlimmeres im deutschsprachigen Fernsehen erlebt…
Jeder von uns hat Geheimnisse, aber jeder von uns hat ein grosses, über das wir nicht mal mit uns selbst reden. Aber wenn der Moment kommt und wir unser Innerstes nach aussen gekehrt haben, gibt es kein zurück mehr; es geht nur noch vorwärts… vorwärts in die Freiheit, die man nie wollte; vorwärts in die Liebe, in der bekanntlich alle Mittel erlaubt sind; oder vorwärts in’s Glück, dem noch einiges im Weg stand.
16 hours ago, the world seemed less disasterous: old memories, old places. There seemed to be a path to stick to and a light at the end of the tunnel still.
Trying to make sense and find some peace. I usually can calm down here. Trying to stomach some stupid statements and to pull my head out of my own ass. Head bumping is something retarded; especially when it comes to life decisions.
So that was Vienna once again. MP2 were somewhat of a positive surprise. Another technical manager position for the web field. Supposedly with pretty free and open handle on the technologies, customers and projects in general. The full web-department is just a handfull of people, plus some freelancers, that should not be used so much anymore.
It’s friggin raining, I am tired and my mind and heart have teamed up to screw around with me. not funny guys!
Will have about an hour to rest now, before touchdown in good ol’ Linz. Have a meeting with Alfred then and probably will hang with Wolfgang after that. Still need to get hold of him though. Sometime this weekend I also should hang with Marion finally.
Other than that, not much news; Talked to Mike for a bit yesterday. Got some updates on what has been happening at the Drecksbude and he seems to really have liked NYC.
Gotsta hit the pillow here.
Far away
This ship has taken me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or dieStarlight
I will be chasing a starlight
Until the end of my life
I don’t know if it’s worth it anymoreHold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
You in my armsMy life
You electrify my life
Lets conspire to ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel aliveI’ll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never fade away
I watched the proverbial sunrise
coming up over the Pacific and
you might think I’m losing my mind,
but I will shy away from the specifics…’cause I don’t want you to know where I am
’cause then you’ll see my heart
in the saddest state it’s ever been.
This is no place to try and live my life.Stop right there. That’s exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
that it’s the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.I’m sorry for the person I became.
I’m sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I’m ready to try and never become that way again
’cause who I am hates who I’ve been.
Who I am hates who I’ve been.I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn’t keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
to create so much pressure that I’ll soon blow up.I heard the reverberating footsteps
sinking up to the beating of my heart,
and I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.And I can’t let that happen again
’cause then you’ll see my heart
in the saddest state it?s ever been.
This is no place to try and live my life.Stop right there. That’s exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
that it’s the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.Stop right there. That’s exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
that it’s the very moment that
I wish that I could take backI’m sorry for the person I became.
I’m sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I’m ready to try and never become that way again
’cause who I am hates who I’ve been.
Who I am hates who I’ve been.Who I am hates who I’ve been
and who I am won’t take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I’ve been
’cause who I’ve been only ever made me…So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I’m ready to try and never become that way again
’cause who I am hates who I’ve been.
Who I am hates who I’ve been.
When all of a sudden - after ages of uncertainty and - everything seems so clear and obvious, desires and wishes are so detailed and defined while the goal is slipping away into oblivion.
This emotional roller coaster is really something. The problem being, it’s not up and down, its a down and lower… I could think about a lot of things in the last days. A lot of things cleared up, others I just can’t believe ever happened at all. Maybe there was an actual point to this whole ordeal. The price could never be worth it though. If only I had more energy to spare right now. Either way, the only way to get through this is mobilizing every single bit of energy and passion and keep going — until a breakdown if necessary.
There is so much to be considered, so many painful things were shared and so much hope was lost. Hope is the only thing I can keep functioning on.
What’s hard to stomach is, how much trying to prevent pain for the ones we love, in the end causes tenfold the misery one wanted to prevent in the first place. These last couple of weeks I’ve learned a lot. A lot about ideals and values, things that will not let me get into such a situation again. The fog keeps lifting more and more by the hour. More and more the reversed roles become obvious and bizarrely scary. Feeling this pain for months really seems superhuman to me. Every organ feels like it’s being crushed, food won’t go in and if it’s in it won’t stay down. Sleep is a word I might as well cut from my vocab.
So many things I am hoping for, so little I should expect and count on. So much time was lost and so many moments wasted. Will this ever work itself out? Only time will tell. Can I wait? No, but I’ll have to.
Strangely enough it took such a purely desperate time to finally get the clarity I had longed for for so long. And not just me. A veil was finally lifted, providing the view onto a flower, whose look and smell is so familiar and wonderful. All I can wonder is, how this could ever have been forgotten and disregarded. What does this tell me about myself? That’s what I mean by the lesson that was learned. I don’t have anyone to blame but myself; but I know that this will never ever happen again.
Happy Valentines. I love you.
so, wtf is all that supposed to mean now. i just dont get it anymore. maybe i dont get ME anymore. that combined with other people’s irrational behavior… i guess it spells trouble. if only it was on a scale, where you have to pay a traffic ticket. but this is a fucking life decision. how is a single person supposed to deal with this shit? rebecca says: “you just do it”. is it really that simple? i wish. i really do. it’s probably cos i am a fucking idiot — a moron, when it comes to making decisions. decision-retarded i guess. emotionally overloaded. who would have thought, that 5 months into this, i would still be dealing with that same nagging question.