Être Et Durer
Alright - so Stefan Ruzowitzky actually did it and brings home the first Oscar for Austria, for “The Counterfeiters”. Finally I can also share the photos I took on set, when it was shot in March 2006 and I played a concentration camp inmate.
Karl Markowics:
[tunes: Der Junge Mit Der Gitarre - Meer Sehn]
Seeing this sunny weather makes me think of times, when everything seemed so much easier.
I watched the proverbial sunrise
coming up over the Pacific and
you might think I’m losing my mind,
but I will shy away from the specifics…’cause I don’t want you to know where I am
’cause then you’ll see my heart
in the saddest state it’s ever been.
This is no place to try and live my life.Stop right there. That’s exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
that it’s the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.I’m sorry for the person I became.
I’m sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I’m ready to try and never become that way again
’cause who I am hates who I’ve been.
Who I am hates who I’ve been.I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn’t keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
to create so much pressure that I’ll soon blow up.I heard the reverberating footsteps
sinking up to the beating of my heart,
and I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.And I can’t let that happen again
’cause then you’ll see my heart
in the saddest state it?s ever been.
This is no place to try and live my life.Stop right there. That’s exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
that it’s the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.Stop right there. That’s exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
that it’s the very moment that
I wish that I could take backI’m sorry for the person I became.
I’m sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I’m ready to try and never become that way again
’cause who I am hates who I’ve been.
Who I am hates who I’ve been.Who I am hates who I’ve been
and who I am won’t take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I’ve been
’cause who I’ve been only ever made me…So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I’m ready to try and never become that way again
’cause who I am hates who I’ve been.
Who I am hates who I’ve been.
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss
It was only a kissNow they’re going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it’s all in my head
But she’s touching his chest now
He takes off her dress now
Let me go
I just can’t look
It’s killing me
And taking controlJealousy
Turning saints into the sea
But it’s just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
Cause I’m Mr. Brightside
At the Airport in Munich I sat next to a familiar face, so I asked the guy next to me, if he was from Upper Austria. He nodded. I then asked him if he was Wolfgang Fasching. He said yeah again and was sorta surprised. That was really exciting actually, to meet the one guy who has influenced me in a sporty way in the last years. I would say that he is probably the closest thing I have to an idol these days — and that’s despite he is not into Parkour… He won the Race across America thrice and summited Everest before. Now he was just taking off a week, to summit Kilimanjaro on his Seven Summits-challenge. Maybe meeting Wolfgang and getting to spend a few hours with him actually was a sign from fate. He is mentally so strong and such a motivator, maybe I need to ingest some of his ideals and look in that direction to make the final bit of the leap to get my mess here straightened out again; much like the Parkour attitude actually.
“Zur Linde” in Linden, Upper Austria; this was the only thing they could manage to cook up that was vegan (no sauce, just steamed veggies):
When all of a sudden - after ages of uncertainty and - everything seems so clear and obvious, desires and wishes are so detailed and defined while the goal is slipping away into oblivion.
This emotional roller coaster is really something. The problem being, it’s not up and down, its a down and lower… I could think about a lot of things in the last days. A lot of things cleared up, others I just can’t believe ever happened at all. Maybe there was an actual point to this whole ordeal. The price could never be worth it though. If only I had more energy to spare right now. Either way, the only way to get through this is mobilizing every single bit of energy and passion and keep going — until a breakdown if necessary.
There is so much to be considered, so many painful things were shared and so much hope was lost. Hope is the only thing I can keep functioning on.
What’s hard to stomach is, how much trying to prevent pain for the ones we love, in the end causes tenfold the misery one wanted to prevent in the first place. These last couple of weeks I’ve learned a lot. A lot about ideals and values, things that will not let me get into such a situation again. The fog keeps lifting more and more by the hour. More and more the reversed roles become obvious and bizarrely scary. Feeling this pain for months really seems superhuman to me. Every organ feels like it’s being crushed, food won’t go in and if it’s in it won’t stay down. Sleep is a word I might as well cut from my vocab.
So many things I am hoping for, so little I should expect and count on. So much time was lost and so many moments wasted. Will this ever work itself out? Only time will tell. Can I wait? No, but I’ll have to.
Strangely enough it took such a purely desperate time to finally get the clarity I had longed for for so long. And not just me. A veil was finally lifted, providing the view onto a flower, whose look and smell is so familiar and wonderful. All I can wonder is, how this could ever have been forgotten and disregarded. What does this tell me about myself? That’s what I mean by the lesson that was learned. I don’t have anyone to blame but myself; but I know that this will never ever happen again.
Happy Valentines. I love you.