gan emailed me on thursday… she apologized for her behaviour earlier. made me feel so much better. anyway… i got a problem now. i wish i already could trust her as much as i did before. hmmm… anyway i think it’ll come back soon… hopefully… never knew this unconditional kind of love - and now i can’t be sure of it anymore.
can’t stop thinking about how it’ll be when were together. grrr… i’m jealous. - (by the way - the titans just scored the 16:16 - yesss…) - and i’m lonely. please let me not be disappointed again. my heart is so breakable at the moment. grrr… fuckin emo-talk… (shit… 16:23 - td rams).
i’m starting to become pretty nervous… i wish gan was online only once a week… would make it a lot easier for me
and why do i have to have such a mad father…? grrrr….
just recieved one of the most amusing mails ever… hehehe:
Date: Sun, 30 Jan 2000 21:36:22 EST
from: Gim914@xxx.xxx>
to: sid@sid666.zzn.com
thanks for the support! chaeck out www.thesmlesite.com/band
you the best- sorr im drunk\greg
today=ex-day huh? first i got really surprisingly a postcard from corinna who i havent heard from anything for months now… well… it doesnt say much anyway… and then on my way to linz i met astrids twin-sister… tststs…. strange… also went to see the doctor coz of my bad back today… i’ll call him doc bonebreaker from now on… ouch…
ok… at least i could get about 4 hours of sleep this morning. not much in 60 hours but of course better than nothing. losing my weight is no problem either now… more than 7 pounds in less then 2 days - thats my personal best. dont feel well anyway. already was thinking of changing my flight and go there at once. my bags are packed. to follow my heart. i pray for not having it broken again. love hurts. and i love mehgan.
i just remember about the “mario and his fuckin timing”-thing. its a curse - its ridiculous… i already could be over there if the date wouldnt have been changed - and - this damn phone call… wanted to say sorry… wanted to say “i CAN imagine living in the states”… hmmm… maybe its useless wasting just a single thought to “what would be if…”. revenge can be hard sometimes. maybe even too hard.
yesterday there was a cool thing on the “domian”-show. a guy called in there who’s 24 and got to know a girl in a chat some years ago. she was 16 and from washington dc. so he flew over to visit her just 2 weeks later and just came back then once to give up his live here and went back to live with her. he got a b2-visa so that he could stay there even longer. hmmm… why shouldnt we be able to make that too… oh… shit… i just forgot…
its fuckin over…???
maybe i should melt this fuckin ring and make a bullet of it… it seems as if its words lost their meaning. feels like i can hear these words just laugh at me. i should already have known… grrrrr… i don´t deserve better. i was an asshole… i think this whole love thing is just the biggest lie a big fake. a dangerous trap. i don’t deserve better - thats the punishment… for the past - for my being stupid again. i won’t fall prey to love of a human kind i swore. love is weakness i preached. and it was me who broke my own promises again. i just couldnt help - but i shouldve known better. selfdestruction seems to be my favourite hobby - and losing is my favourite sports. i should already have flewn over there…. damnit… sick of being afraid. sick of bursting illusions and dreams. sick of getting hurt. sick of falling in love.
damn. it was just a fuckin misunderstanding… what will mariah think? she’ll think im insane. after our talk… hahaha - man… i already knew somethings wrong… and the worst thing is… i cant even help. tearing out my heart maybe would help. all this seems so familiar to me… january is not “my” month - i hoped everything would improve in 2000 - but NO… its all the same - EXACTLY the same as 99 started… thank god its another time i got nothing to do at all - except thinkin… i love that… yeah… i really do… i lack power. soon ill be all alone again… hahaha. havent i always been??? no refuge. no shelter. what’s still worth fighting for? just to get hurt again? i dont know. what remains is my hope. this hope - embodying my weakness. im not strong. just blind… and begging for love - true love just once in this life… not worth a fuckin dime.
whatta grrrreat night… couldnt even think of getting a minute of sleep… decided to walk the 2 miles to the bandroom to get rid of my frustration. in fact i HAD to walk coz my bike broke at the way… i left the house at about 4:30am… is was pretty cold… -15°C - about 0°F… but nothing compared to the coldness inside of me… fuck. my heart just started to recover. began to FEEL again. a fatal fault… man man man… all this reapeats now… within fuckin 4 months… tststs… thats ridiculous… it was exactly the same with geneva. im a loser. well… i started to forget… thank you for reminding me again! at least i can play all the noah-songs and coverversions perfectly now… my poor drums… played guitar too… but all these sad songs just reminded me of all this shit again. didnt even know why i played just RIGHT THESE songs. well… went back at 9 then… when i left the room the sun already had risen. it was so unreal. so cold. and despite the sun everything just seemed so grey… and in the sunlight i realized the blood on my hands… maybe i shouldn´t´ve played that hard. i’m not tired at all yet. im just sick. i fear i gotta choke. my stomach feels strange. i wonder how i should explain all this to my parents - they shouted after me when i left the house - but i didn´t turn around. put on my headphones and drowned in numbing guitar and drum-thunder - anyway who cares about them. grrr… i wanna hide & run away… but my future seems to be here. although i started to really believe the opposite. but… what future anyway???
it all seemed to ease a bit. until i came back - everythings the same shit again. it’s all like in this stupid german movie yesterday - i still laughed about that 9 hours ago… now i saw again how quick the tables can turn. i shouldve known this before - it was such a weird atmosphere already yesterday during the whole day. even woody said that something was very strange.
maybe this is… whatever
he: i need a little time / to think it over / i need a little space / just on my own / i need a little time / to find my freedom / i need a little…
she: funny how quick the milk turns sour / isn’t it, isn’t it / your face has been looking like that for hours / hasn’t it, hasn’t it / promises, promises turn to dust / wedding bells just turn to rust / trust into mistrust
[...] he: i’ve had a little time / to find the truth / now l’ve had a little room / to check what’s wrong / i’ve had a little time / and i still love you / i’ve had a little…
she: you had a little time / and you had a little fun / didn’t you, didn’t you / while you had yours / do you think i had none / do you, do you // the freedom that you wanted bad / is yours for good / i hope you’re glad / sad into unsad // i had a little time / to think it over / had a little room / to work it out / i found a little courage / to call it off / i had a little time
by beautiful south
dad’s an fuckin asshole - i hate him - i really do; moms gotta go to the hospital again; couldn´t get sleep for nearly 40 hours now. neither can i eat. my lifes just a bad joke. so quickly everything can change.
[download my emotions]
no work no more!!! cool huh?
this weekend was very busy anyway… worked 24 hours in 2 days. and it was really tiring… but therefore $$$ comes in again.
sunday night i thought i was dreaming… zapped through the tv-channels after coming home from work and - guess what!?! i saw some minutes of this big german sex-show “peep” and who did i see there - all naked - fuckin a bitch? it was stefan - our guitarist - who i havent been able to reach for 3 months now… man - i thought id drop dead at once (i liked that close up of his “n.y.h.c.”-tattoo - hehehe)… lifes strange sometimes. but anyway noone knows where he is… i hope hes ok - im starting to REALLY worry. he had big problems when i talked to him the last time.
no gan for days…
just 2 more days to work - yesss… and then looking to the us - without hindrances. gan seems to be pretty busy. havent talked to her quite long all the week. grrr… i’m nervous - and afraid. who knows how it’s gonna be? who knows if actually everything will be ok? i wish there was a 100%-guarantee. but i guess the only way to find it out is to take the risk. and i’m so much looking forward to feeling my baby close to me… mmmmh…
yesterday i was at the movies & after that out with mariah. was much fun - as usual. gonna meet susi today after goin to life radio - theres a meeting coz of the pr-work this weekend. hope it wont become too stressing. gonna play with noah this weekend - letting off steam. poor drumset… wish to talk to mommie again.
whatta weekend… finally we got our new bandroom. its pretty cool - i like it better than the one before even if its a bit smaller.
also was out after moving on friday with felix & woody which was quite much fun. although on saturday it was even more fun.
first we were at felixs to have a snack - is lil bro (16) came home - totally drunk… - well… anyway we went to town then. woody & i left felix with this girl that has a crush on him for months now… hes always such an asshole when hes with her and were there…
woody and ingrid went home then. i wanted to do so too - it was about 1am - but then i remembered that mariah told me shed be @ the “hotel kijew”-bar - so i called her from the car and went there then. 5 minutes later felix called me. he was upset coz we had shut up…. hehehe… well… he asked me to pick him and heike up - ok - so i did…
heike got a call then - she should come to “fred sega” - i havent been there for ages - except on this punk concert in december. really didnt want to stay there very long - but then i started a conversation with andrea - maxs ex - who i never had talked to before. have to say - shes pretty nice. brought heike and her friend home then @ 5 in the *yawn* morning. then i went back to pick up andrea, her friend nina and this 35-year old really ugly guy called fred who has a crush on andrea and was really pissed - and brought them home too - sid the taxidriver….
returned home at 6:30 in the morning… therefore i slept till 4 pm. grrr @ my cellular - had it under my pillow and so i didnt hear the sms cateyes send me… well… bad luck…
yesterday i still was fuckin tired coz of this really long night on saturday. played with noah in the evening - was quite cool - but anyway i think i shouldnt have done so i guess… theres this really fast highspeed-crust part in 1 song - and when we had finished it i couldnt move my head anymore - my neck still fuckin hurts and i needed a ruff to get sleep tonite.
and then i had a quite depressing conversatin with sweetheart this morning. grrr… i cant decide NOW if ill like it better in the states or here. it hasnt got to do anything with US! i just have to go and see how its gonna be.
next week ill finish this community service shit! yessss… therefore i wont have a single day off this weekend - life radio job again… at a travelling-exhibition - ill earn about as much as i usually earn for a month… for just 2 days of work…
4 more weeks
¿questionmarx?
it’s night… hmmm… im losing hope… can ever everything be perfect in my goddamn life? why did i have to be such a goddamn fuckin idiot? isnt there a chance for me to ever become happy? why cant i even be sure to ever see the woman i love? why cant i even be sure if she knows what she means to me? whats important for me? what love means to me? what becoming engaged means to me? that im not kidding when i say “i wanna spend my life with you”? that i dont care bout so superficial problems? how much i long for her… her warmth - her hot body - her caress - her love… how much i long for being able to let myself fall - knowing to be caught? damnit - i cant get no sleep - lying awake in bed for hours - just being scared. i wish i had more power. but im reaching my limits. totally opening myself - so vulnerable and trusting - and not sure anymore if i will survive this…
hmmm… okie - it worked out again…
had a really strange conversation today… people seem to realize we’re serious. 32 days… urgh… excited… really excited. i know were crazy… but i know everythingll work out - and we still got enuff time to make a decision.
my and cateyecutie…
just came home from innsbruck. new years eve was great fun. gan was missing a lot. the firework was tremendous. the weather was damn cold. gan was missing even more - and her warmth. no y2k-bugs yet. gotta take a nap and dream of her… coz gan still is missing…