@253 … GOTTVERDAMMTE SCHEISSE!!! grrr… this day can´t get worse… my mailserver still doesn´t work… damn it - it´s unfair… and sweetheart isn´t online again :-(
so why the hell did i get up that early? *yawn*
[...]
like a voodoo-doll that’s stabbed with needles feels my tortured body. emotional red alert sensitizes the perception. this extraordinary situation requires to open oneself - to offer the throat - to hope not to be killed…
decided to let myself fall. will you catch me before i hit the floor? before my freezing heart bursts into 1000 pieces…
trust - a dangerous venture - i’ll try it once again - one last time i’ll take all my courage and all my belief…
belief in fate - belief in love - belief in honesty - belief in trust
@007… just skimmed the journal - for the 1st time… isn´t that so interesting? i wonder how i could break the edge - fuck it - straight as an arrow lifelong… from now forever! i was an idiot - how could i ignore all these values just for such a ridiculous reason? i feel dirty and hate myself for that. XtruetilldeathX
how fast emotions can change - and how quickly time can pass by…
it´s just exactly 36 weeks ago since we met… seems like years to me… and it´s already been 46 days since we started to get closer again… that must be fate - coz it was right after i came home from geneva… guess what! just converted the icq-message history of us into a txt-file… heehe - 1,5 MB!!! - and since nov. 9th we told each other “i love you” just by icq about 400 times :-) - and thats just in english… man… looking through these messages brings up so many memories and feelings. the best and the worst… some more facts… it’s been on april 20th when i sent her that love-card and she told me what she felt for me the same time. isn´t that an incredible story?
reading these messages makes my heart smile and long for her very much.
less than 8 months… hard to believe…
what´s up? damn… i know i shouldn´t be - but in fact i am scared again. didn´t meet my baby yesterday… neither she´s online this morning. can´t help getting afraid that something´s wrong. it´s just coz all that´s too important. damn. wish i wouldn´t have these fellings - *ouch!* - ok - forget it… just a message from sweetheart floated in. she seems to be sick :-( - poor lil princess… can´t wait till i can hold her and be with her. awwww… why is she so sweet? why am i so far away? why can´t love be easier? why does se offer me another chance? guess what!
ich liebe dich - speedy recovery cut*e!
[...]
i hate knowing baby is sick. grrrr…
just helping woody with getting started with his association… this statute-shit is very complicated… i´s gonna be called “@visu” - audiovisual platform… will be easier for us to do the concerts and movie stuff… i hope it´s gonna work out as planned - would be really cool…
noah finally asked me to join them… finally a band that WILL make and move something… they seem to be really good - the local hc-elite…
work sux… 2,5 hrs overtime yesterday and 3 hrs today… grrr… makes me so tired… - got a cybersister yesterday… xaida… it´s a pity we aren´t REAL siblings. would be a lot of fun for sure!
11 more days till x-mas. that´s gonna be another sad christmas… won´t it? hmm… i found my love. that should be the best reason to be so damn happy - but it hurts so much to be separated. especially on such special holidays. got a mail from sweetheart. she´s upset. doug seems to be a strange guy. everyone who urts my sweetie can fuck off! but i don´t really think this concearns our relationship a lot. everything that counts is the love between me and my cutie. and i don´t think anyone can measure this with earthly means. god - why are you so cruel?
the phonecall 2 nights ago was so very very beautiful. to me it seemed as if we were a couple that´s just separated coz one of both is on vacation or something like that. gan wrote she never realized how well we communicate. she´s so right. seems like one can already feel what the other´s gonna say before he/she even opens his/her mouth. i think others need a lifetime to reach such a level of love. aren´t we so lucky? even if still separated? hearing someone say “ich liebe dich” - adressed to me - and not anyone but this certain one saying it… you are the most beautiful thing that could happen to me.
to get a job in the states and a cheaper possibility to study. that would be so cool. i could imagine a future like that in the united states. not forever i think - but for the next years. i don´t think that i´d like to spend the rest of my life in a country like that. if sweetheart really came with me london would be a cool - even if expensive - option to live at. oh god… my whole future seems so great now. please let it happen like that… whoever is responsible for maro´s future up there or wherever.
i´m in love - and noone must break this bond - ever!
…and still not enough. i´m in love.
close my eyes
walk away
breathing deep
dream escape
clouded sky
false words
there´s no answer
for this change
but i cant stop i can´t think straight with these visions of your face
its just a shame running through my heart
i´ll be alright
i´ll be alrightwith the look in your eyes
genuine
i always was - i fuckin always was
genuine
three days broken
bring me release
from this fucking stress
genuine
save me from the
anger and this pain
but i cant stop i cant think straight with these visions of your face
its just a shame running through my heart
with the look in your eyes
why did you go?
big blue monkey
*yawn* - mmmh… yeah - she GOT my package. god - how much i miss her. *i*really*need*you*tonite*…
have to work today - for the radiostation. great - so i can see “blair witch project” for free…. grrrrrr… that´s the only film for about a year i paid for to see it - and now i could view it for free… that´s typically me. i gotta help out woody today… he´s still fooling pitty by email… pretending he´s a girl called lisa. and he fixed a date there at the “cineplexx” with him today - i should give a notice to pitty that “lisa” already left coz she was too excited when she spotted him so that she couldn´t face him… woodys revenge for pittys fucking ingrid is REALLY cruel - coz this 28-years-old idiot already fell for “lisa” - well - it´s up to him - i won´t intervene - but i´m amused ba the mail-conversation these 2 have… hehehe
talked to bärbel yesterday night… grrr… i warned her of this martin-asshole. and i was right. poor her.
i´m in love. can´t wait to feel my babys soft skin. her mom´s really cool. my dad isn´t - hehehe. i love you
grrr… had to improve my record in “getting from bed straight to the train” to 4(!) minutes. noone woke me up again this morning - so i was really late. been too tired from yesterday´s workin… left the house @ 7am and came back @ 9:30pm… had dinner then and fell asleep right after that then.
so i couldn´t even have a talk to by baby this morning :-( - but at least i recieved a short message… seems as if the present found its way. but i din´t get her letter yet… grrr… either it wasn´t sent by airmail or the mail lost it. i´ll wait…
i miss my impatient lil princess…
bleeding excuses
sick souls that torture my mind push me down - drag me under water - until the surface disappears - until the days turn dark - until my eyes shut
lived a hard past - of course this world’s not fair. but this excuse i won’t accept. It’s time to take responsibility - to live your own life instead of hiding in the burning brushwood of bleeding excuses.
broken existences - just another expression of weakness in mind. drown their problems in intoxication to escape from the prison of their own stupidity.
you always can say no - always turn your head - victims turn to culprits
don’t blame us! for the way you fucked up everything… rather kill yourself! to give us freedom and rest in fucking peace
whatta night… first there was this huge fight with mr. dad who once again wanted to proove his power - i told him to shut his mouth. so i had to walk to town. met with felix there. was quite much fun again… so many drunx to fool… hehehe… then we went to the alter schl8hof where the crawling bones played a concert. it´s the band of a former teacher of mine - he´s quite ok… but was so pissed - as usually when he isn´t at school… also met other former teachers - fuck you! - at least most of you.
ok… then felix and me went back to town… got the negative for the idiot of december-picture… hehehe - was hard to get… but my page becomes locally famous therefore. muck threatened felix to beat him up if this picture´ll ever be online… hehehe - i wouldn´t underestimate felix´s kickbox-power - although he´s 2 heads smaller!
then we wanted to go home @ about 1am… but a girl i´ve never seen before shouted we should stop… she was really short and starting to talk like a waterfall to us… “you can´t already leave,… blah blah…” - so - after 30 mins we went with her to the “le freak” - she even paid the entrance… hehehe… but we started to become strange to her when she heard about the vegan sXe thing… :-) - i think she thinks we´re in a sect or something like that…
after that we went to the gortana-passage at about 3… all the bars were about to close… and finally we were the only 3 left in there - no other person was in there - it was so cool… one could even have a party in there… free drinks and so on…
well - but then it became boring there too so we went home. was at home at 5 then. went online and… mmmh…
anyway - i´m really tired now and can hardly believe i gotta work 12,5 hrs tomorrow… grmpf…
6 more weeks…
a silent whisper in my ear
the softest touch i ever felt
waking me
caressing me
the deepest eyes - like diamonds
a glimpse of love smiles at me
skin to skin
heart to heart
want it to be real
[...] how many years of jail does one get for killing a father like this? fuck you - it´s a shame to be your son. fuck you - i hate you.
mmmh… this day was kinda cool… started with another conversation with megacutie #1. then i even found time to go back to bed - had to go to see the dentist… he´s also so happy when he sees me… hehehe - hardly anything to do… came to work at 11… the boss seemed to be fed up - but he can kiss my ass - just another six weeks to work - then - asta la vista!
mmmh… i´m so in love… and it can feel so good… really starting to be sure that we´ll make it this time. i simply feel it. that´s the thing called fate i think…
had a fight on the phone with dad coz of the phone bill… fuck you - there are living 5 people in this house - and always i´m the one who´s guilty - doesn´t that seem strange even to you?!?
i´m so excited… hehehe - it´s cool how great a day can become when i can sleep just 1 more hour and wake up with the one i love… even just with her writing… how beautiful must the time in the states become. should get my international driver´s licence iris told me. my normal one would just cause me probs. i´m gonna manage that tomorrow i think.
i wonder what´s up with justin… haven´t heard anything from him for ages.
thanx to anyone giving me support and consolation everytime i´m not that happy as i´m now. special millennium-thanx to georg - mariah - iris - bärbel - liv - hannah - xaida - lars - andy - arianne - and of course my sweetheart… *iluvu*