man. the situation changes every fucken day… confusion takes over control again. love is a weird thing… why can´t it be more simple…? tststs… guys are idiots (remember when you finally see the idiot of the millennium!!!).
“life just sucks - i lost the one -…” anyway… my love won´t fade away. have got so much to give. noone takes it. i´m about to burst - so stuffed wit it.
what´s the solution?
Monthly Archive for November, 1999
i wish i could control my emotions. but - sorry - it´s impossible… i cannot. if i could i´d´ve caused so much less pain - wouldn´t have done the worst thing ever - shouldn´t have hurt the one i love. *ashamed*
talked to honeybunny today - i mean - REALLY - by phone. it was simply incredible. it´s been more than 6 months since i heard the most beautiful voice for the first and only time. it seems like magic. it made me even surer that she´s the one. all of that can´t have happened just by chance. well, well,… i hate esotericism-stuff - but i truly believe that THAT´s fate. can´t find another explanation for it. there´ve happened so many things… and anyway we´re so close again - closer than ever. i can hardly wait to see her - and can hardly believe to ave her finally in my arms.
will things ever change?
why can´t there ever be everything perfect? man - it´s already a fuckin permanent state in my life. for a year now. maybe it´s coz of me - for sure it´s because of me… such fucking timing!
why do i have to spend my time with this human filth? there´s the most valuable person out there - and i can´t be with her - FUCK YOU AUSTRIA!
looking out of the window: it´s night… the first snow´s falling down - silent on the fields in front of my house. it´s such an innocent and beautiful scene. if my girl was here now - wow - that would be perfect.
but tis world is not good. it´s cruel. and i´ll be too - invulnerable - cold as ice and hard as stone!
once more i´m sorry for all that´s been lost - promises broken… i´m slipping away
Oh the biting
And the breathing
And the touch
Every inch of you
Is sugar
In my mouthOh the bleeding
And the suffering
And the trust
Raised with no faith
I still pray
You love me enough
by mehgan sweetheart
i didn´t feel this way for ages. all giggly… as if i was 14 and in love for the first time. well maybe i am. i didn´t think to ever feel that way again. mmmmh - when i talk to her on the phone it´s like a thousand butterflies were in my stomach - and i can´t even speak properly… she stole my heart. and still there´s so much insecurity.
and dad - hahaha - he´s such a fool… felt like he had to be the big boss again when i was talking to lovely mehgan. and the funny thing was… i could talk to her bout him when he was beside me coz he´s so bad in english - i think he knows the difference between “yeees” and “nooo” - and that´s it. i hope i won´t be like him - i swear i won´t be like him when i ever have kids. hmmm… we´ll be a nice family… all vegan… the kids´ll love to listen to refused and rancid to fall asleep… hehehe… baby i can´t wait to hold you tight!
i played with the fire and burnt myself. now the flame warms my heart and i´m so glad i did that.
man, man, man,… today´s a cool day… somehow… it started with my love – well – to be honest with my love´s lover – yessss… he damn let of steam and threatened to “break every single bone of my body” if i wouldn´t leave her alone; plus i am a jerk, plus…
then i talked to her. it seems like all the love i was willing to give to corinna was bottled up in my heart and streams out through a re-opened outlet that was expected to never do so again. and it the love goes to the right direction now. i hope i won´t be rejected again.
i even reserved my flight to there today. just 74 more days to go – january 24th´ll be the big day. ats 6.300,- - that´s quite ok – about 800 u$. from salzburg to mpls via amsterdam. and when i come back i´ll be able to stop at nyc then – i think i´ll stay there for 2 weeks or so.
it´s gonna be sooo cool! i can hardly believe that this is true – wow – so much speed in my life now. maybe – hopefully – everything´s gonna turn out to be great n perfect in the end.
even talked to my boss today coz of my holidays i´ve left. he was quite nice – that´s been the 1st time i talked to him after about a year i didn´t feel like a slave talkin to his master. his main problem is that he is the same age as my father – hahaha!
but then i did experience another shocking thing today… have you ever talked to someone who´s just lost the person he loved and tells you to commit a murder now? abd you know he´s serious? that was really depressing and shocking…
that was my day up to now… m*ss ya
love is weakness… yeah – dave, that´s really true! but… what to do about it? i actually am weak. and i´m scared. but now it´s enough. i don´t want no more. girls just confuse me. after all that´s the 1st time that there are some girls i could have – the first time i could choose – sounds quite conceited… i know… but that´s it… arianne called me “mr. flirtwiththegirls“ – crazy girl! i think i changed a lot… or is it just that i didn´t realize that before?
the sera-date was quite useless… beauty by far isn´t everything – she´s sooo snobby. i hate that. therefore i had much fun this weekend with johanna, bärbel and her friend, susi and her friend, sandy,… but what´s that for? there are mainly 2 probs in connection with grrrls: on the one hand the things that happened to me during the last year changed me concerning the way i girls a lot. i´ve got a lot of fun with them but there isn´t more – at a certain point i become fucken shy – which i never used to be… but maybe that´s coz of the 2nd thing:
i need someone – a certain one – just that one… don´t wanna get anoter “substitute“. it´s enuff – it´s time to reach the goal. there´ve been things i did in the past that my problems from now are rooted in. i shouldn´t´ve done so – but can´t make it undone either… damn – it´s just coz i longed for warmth and shelter – someone to lean on – someone to hold me… it was an illusion – i know – but worse is that it makes me still stay alone.
fuck it! i´m a loser… did i already mention that? and don´t have any energy left. trying to pretend is very tiring. and then… rejection after rejection… i don´t deserve better… damn it… need to get away – away from all of this. but where to?
at least i have a few people who really help me a lot – thanx to xaida and liv! and then i´ll meet sandra this evening who i haven´t seen for half a year i think. it´s always fun with her. maybe she can change my thoughts a bit – hopefully. love hurts.
by the way: baby ich liebe dich and you know that!
hmmm… it´s really strange… was in town on sat & sun with felix - and we had damn muc fun… came home @ 3am and 4:30am. i´m more straight than ever - i´m so much more sure now what alcohol actually means - not even the myth about “being able to forget” is true - fuck this drug…
so felix and me started a kinda sXe-terrorforce-direct action on sunday… hehehe.. first we had great fun with oliwa @ rewü - foolin the people… and then we met some of his classmates @ the “cruiscin lan” and they all were damn drunk… so we ordered non-alcoholic beer and sat down beside them… so felix was a kinda ero for them coz for them he seemed not to be sXe anymore… these kids are real idiots… then one of them went down on the toilet… and didn´t come back for 2 hours - so we went down then too… he had nearly lost consciousness cos he was so pissed… so felix ran up to take a camera - in the meantime another of those kids came down and puked in the wastebasked… hehehe… felix came back with the camera - gave it to me - took the wastebasket and put it over the drunk guys head - and i took a photo - hahaha - we´re damn evil… i think i´m back in the crew!
some may regard this as quite offensive… hmmm… ok - of course it was - but also SO much fun!
well… what else…?!? probably i´m gonna go out with sera this weekend - hehe - we fixed this date already 2 years ago - but there was never the opportunity coz we weren´t ever solo at the same time…
i hope xaida´s ok… i really worry bout her… i also worry a bit bout gan… there´s something between her and andrea - who i really like both very much - and i don´t want to get involved in their quarrel.
hopefully i´ll get to know what´s up there soon… and i´m looking forward so much to goin to the u$a…