why did i have to hurt the one i love? why did i have to hurt the one wo loved me? why did i waste my love? why did i leave the heart that once needed me out in the cold - all alone? why was i so incredible stupid to throw away all i was given? all that made life so beautiful? why can´t i simply turn back time? why shouldn´t i be hurt? why didn´t i see i hurt the one i truly love? why couldn´t i see that before?
why did i have to hurt the one i love?
ps: could hardly believe my eyes when i got mail today.. there was the latest issue of the “upstart”-magazine from germany… guess what? there´s a 3-page(!) interview with flatline plus cool 7″-review… it´s just a pity that flatline´s dead… we could´ve rocked europe…
i´m so confused and scared. i know there´s no need to be and i even mustn´t. i should be the happiest man on this whole wide world - but something´s wrong. i hope it´s just imagination. the last time of having so little contact there wasn´t good news then. hopefully it´s different this time. well… isn´t it my own fault? i broke a heart when i could be sure for 100% that it´s mine. how could i assume NOW to receive unconditional confidence and love again? i simply cannot do so. and… can I trust that love? grrr… it tears me.
long for security. max. 56 days - then i should´ve gotten it!
please tell me my fear is imagination and there´s no need to be scared.
but probably i´m just paranoid once again…
what´s up? i don´t know - but something´s strange. maybe it´s just coz my head still fuckin aches because of saturdays moshpit - or if it´s something more severe. i hate not talkin to gan for just an hour. and it´s already 2 days now again. at least i got a few cute messages from her. but anyway. always missing her just for minutes. and can´t reach er by phone too. damn damn damn… this night wasn´t nice. baaad sleep. don´t weanna wake up alone anymore too.
alex´s gonna see hannah… i keep the fingers crossed for you!
baby - can´t stand missing you!
[...]
a big grrrrrrrr ro my timing. how often i missed gan just for a few minutes is incredible.
it´s kinda like our hearts were connected by an invisible bond and the longer we don´t meet and the farer we´re away the more it´s stretched and hurts.
was at the morning again show yesterday. cameran played too - a bih fuck you ro aaron “ex-racial-abuse superstar” tauss. i can´t stand him - and the others are such idiots too… at least the singer. and this band is always compared to refused. that´s as if one would compare a subaru to a ferrari. and they represent austrian hardcore… sad, sad, sad… morning again rocked - but they didn´t let play a third band on their equipment which was really unfair from them i think. superstars - ha?
anyway - today i can lick my wounds like after every show… every bone in my body hurts.
met a lotta nice peops again i haven´t seen for ages. especially stevo from windmill recs. vienna and clemens from tele novela in graz. also got a demo from “true to illusion”… was quite funny… suddenly a hand tapped on my shoulder and a voice asked: “are you s*d?” i agreed… then a guy gave this demo to me and said i should think of him the next time i´m making something again. this homepage seems to show effects! maybe we´re gonna do a show with german nyari / jane next year. but i don´t think that ´ still´ll be here then which is really sad coz these bands rock like hell.
after the show when we went back home the 200 miles again i fell asleep in the car. we listened to joe´s nightradio which is a famous radio-talkshow on austrias biggest and most popular radiostation. when i still was fuckin sleepy the others had the great idea to call there - and so they gave the receiver to me - i mean - i was really sleepy - and i didn´t really realize. so i had to stay on the line then for over an hour until they took me on air. the problem was, that i was wide awake then again - and i had to be so concentrated to not laugh my ass off. man - this guy is too stupid… - and i told him so much crap. that was the third radiostation i was on air in 1999 - hehehe. well - i was at home at 3 then - and my parents came home even after me… tststs… slept at 3:30… called gan @ 5:30 - was nearly too tired to keep sitting in front of mr. karl with open eyes… couldn´t reach her… told her i´d be there @ 8 again… went online at 8:20… she already had left… and i still miss her like fuckin crazy. need to get some more sleep now.
*yawn*… man… why did i have to wake up? dreaming about sweetheart 2 times a night - that´s cruel - exerytime i wake up i feel like pushed form the warm shelter of security into the dark, cold world. grrrr… doesn´t really make it easier…
why didn´t i fuckin wake up tonite to talk to her??? if someone´s up there - what i really don´t believe anymore - he doesn´t like me. (by the way - god´s first name is heribert! ;) )
can´t get fred on the phone. damn - he should drive us to the show. felix didn´t call him yet and i can´t reach him… this day has just been shit up to now - except my dreams. they were the best ever.
caught in my dreams
will they come true?
i pray for that
for my release
for satisfacrion
love and peace
eternal love could finally calm
the hopeless fire - stop my fall!
just came home… it´s already saturday, 2:24am - georg left 5 minutes ago. was at the movies tonite… finally the “blair witch project” had premiere here too… well… so badly synchronized… but it´s quite ok - even if it would probably be a thousand times better in english. was there with woody, georg and felix. tomorrow felix, woody and me are gonna go to wiener neustadt to see morning again there. i hope i´ll make that. i´m sooo tired. and they wanna leave already tomorrow noon to go to a vegan restaurant in vienna first. i really lack money at the moment. haven´t been at a show for months… last time i was there at wiener neustadt too - and it was really cool.
yesterday morning i caught gan on the phone. noone must hurt you ever anymore. i feel bad when you´re sad. i wish i was there to console you. 59 more days - and i will be… and i keep asking myself what i´m gonna get for my 20th b-day!
5:55am… the 3rd day without gan… it´s becoming more than hard. doesn´t she see how much i miss her? i wouldn´t ever hurt her again. strange mail. fuck you past! fuck you s*d! love and trust - once you have it keep it warm and save - it´s gonna be so hard to get it back again. i hope not TOO hard… my batterys are lacking energy. i fixed my flight yesterday. damn… where is she? it makes me mad. i really start to worry… and i don´t deserve it any better.
fuck you mr. karl! my computer is really drivin me crazy!
spent the whole night in front of this effin thing to make it run again… fell asleep during defragmenting it… tststs. and it still isn´t running properly…
couldn´t talk to sweetheart coz of this crap… grrr…
before it crashed i talked to hannah - hey eviltwin - i hope this time everything´ll work out - you really deserve it!
and xaida - you do so too! you´re such a wonderful person… and everything will turn out to be like that what you´re dreamin of - i bet - and i pray for you! i hope to meet ya soon… i really do so!
love is everywhere… bärbel´s sad too… and kirni´s about to fall for another girl…
also got a m@il from corinna.
2 more months
today i fell in love… there was an 8-week-old german shepherd dog-baby at work today. is was so sweet. only my baby is by far sweeter! once i´ll have a dog too i think. always wanted to have one - just mom didn´t allow… grrr…
yesterday i recieved a letter from xaida. hmmm… not that what i expected at all. but it´s so interesting: it´s about the reunion of west and east germany 10 years ago. bout socialism and capitalism. she´s from the eastern part of berlin - and i understand it so much better now - these problems that´re connected with all these happenings… the problems of the citizens - of the small people - not as superficial as always shown on tv…
GRRRR… just watching the news: in germany there are still these fuckin horse-haters active. last night they cut off the tongue of a pregnant mare. assholes!
talked to sweetheart again last night. i don´t think she really knows what she actually means to me. i´m so scared of not being able to get her back. i wish i was with her. i wish i could lie next to her. i wish i could feel her heartbeat next to mine. i wish i wouldn´t have to WISH that anymore…
well, well, well,… why do i always have to wait? always me… grrr… this time i could get everything back. all the shit of the last months and years could be offset. everything i suffered and so much more i don´t even deserve. just this single time. then i´d be so happy.
hmmm… sometimes i wonder if there´s always two people on earth who perfectly fit together - who are made for each other. if it´s like that… lil princess and me must be meant for each other. ich liebe dich!
it´s just 6:17am… and i already talked to sweetheart… isn´t that so great? “soon we will be able to wake up next to each other….” - hard to believe… and i can´t wait any longer. there´s so much happened concerning love. lars seems to hav found the right girl for him. for kirni everythings goin better too - i think he´s also gone through a lotta shit. i hope he´s got the right one now. also talked to xaida yesterday. i really like talkin to her. she gives me the feeling that she really cares. i hope to meet her soon. i hope to meet the entire berlin connection soon… hannah, xaida, burak,… they´re all damn cute.
well… but first i´m really looking forward to going to the states. mmmh…
gotta leave to work then - yesss - another cool week with nice people and lotta fun-things to do! - grrr… not really!