My own private Emocide

i stand at the edge of destruction, emotionally ruined by the warmth i most desire. i will not fall prey to love of a human kind. for LOVE IS WEAKNESS - LOVE IS THE FALL OF EVERY MAN. take this heart you´ve claimed and as it numbs your hands, know the flame is dead and will no longer burn. this body will never pain again, this mind knows no wound. though i am of flesh this flesh will never consume me, as it has destroyed so many before. this body will never pain again, this mind knows no wound. the flame is dead, left only with ashes of memories, that renew my faith in hate and my faith in myself. nothing can break me. this heart remains free from the burden of love. yet this heart will be sustained. no hope - no compassion - i fill my heart with strength…

by shai hulud

sometimes i really wish i could make myself feel like that - i wish i could renew my faith in hate and my faith in myself and fill my heart with strength. but fact is that it seems like i can´t feel anymore anything at all. and the only person i trust enough to show my real feelings would probably only be annoyed and feel by that. that hurts - and i really can´t predict anything… i only can hope for the best… but isn´t hoping weakness too…?
yesterday i watched mtv - i usually never do so - and saw a video there for the first time… the lyrics really amazed me… coz if i´m still able to feel, these lyrics express my emotions perfectly… and it´s so very very sad…

90 miles outside chicago / can’t stop driving i don’t know why / so many questions i need an answer / two years later you´re still on my mind // whatever happened to emilia earheart / who holds the stars up in the sky / is true love just once in a lifetime / did the captain of the titanic cry? // someday we’ll know if love can move a mountain / someday we’ll know why the sky is blue / someday we’ll know why i wasn’t meant for you // does anybody know the way to atlantis / or what the wind says when she cries / i’m speeding by the place that i met you / for the 97th time tonight // someday we’ll know if love can move a mountain / someday we’ll know why the sky is blue / someday we’ll know why i wasn’t meant for you / someday we’ll know why samson loved delilah / one day i’ll go dancing on the moon / someday you’ll know that i was the one for you / oh, my lover, oh // i bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow / i watched the stars crash in the sea / if i could ask god just one question / why aren’t you here with me tonight? // someday we’ll know if love can move a mountain / someday we’ll know why the sky is blue / someday we’ll know why i wasn’t meant for you / someday we’ll know why samson loved delilah / one day i’ll go dancing on the moon / someday you’ll know that i was the one for you…