just got knocked down - for fuckin nothin! she doesn´t even realize that it´s coz of her - that i can´t stand it no more - it´s such a strange situation - it´s her world.
damn it - i need love, my energy is used up - i don´t really´ve got any motivation anymore - i´d´ve done anything just to get another chance. but she doesn´t even WANT to open - doesn´t even offer me the smallest opportunity.
final conclusion (maybe i should let it write on my gravestone): i´m a loser baby - so why don´t you kill me…?!?
Monthly Archive for October, 1999
i stand at the edge of destruction, emotionally ruined by the warmth i most desire. i will not fall prey to love of a human kind. for LOVE IS WEAKNESS - LOVE IS THE FALL OF EVERY MAN. take this heart you´ve claimed and as it numbs your hands, know the flame is dead and will no longer burn. this body will never pain again, this mind knows no wound. though i am of flesh this flesh will never consume me, as it has destroyed so many before. this body will never pain again, this mind knows no wound. the flame is dead, left only with ashes of memories, that renew my faith in hate and my faith in myself. nothing can break me. this heart remains free from the burden of love. yet this heart will be sustained. no hope - no compassion - i fill my heart with strength…
by shai hulud
sometimes i really wish i could make myself feel like that - i wish i could renew my faith in hate and my faith in myself and fill my heart with strength. but fact is that it seems like i can´t feel anymore anything at all. and the only person i trust enough to show my real feelings would probably only be annoyed and feel by that. that hurts - and i really can´t predict anything… i only can hope for the best… but isn´t hoping weakness too…?
yesterday i watched mtv - i usually never do so - and saw a video there for the first time… the lyrics really amazed me… coz if i´m still able to feel, these lyrics express my emotions perfectly… and it´s so very very sad…
90 miles outside chicago / can’t stop driving i don’t know why / so many questions i need an answer / two years later you´re still on my mind // whatever happened to emilia earheart / who holds the stars up in the sky / is true love just once in a lifetime / did the captain of the titanic cry? // someday we’ll know if love can move a mountain / someday we’ll know why the sky is blue / someday we’ll know why i wasn’t meant for you // does anybody know the way to atlantis / or what the wind says when she cries / i’m speeding by the place that i met you / for the 97th time tonight // someday we’ll know if love can move a mountain / someday we’ll know why the sky is blue / someday we’ll know why i wasn’t meant for you / someday we’ll know why samson loved delilah / one day i’ll go dancing on the moon / someday you’ll know that i was the one for you / oh, my lover, oh // i bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow / i watched the stars crash in the sea / if i could ask god just one question / why aren’t you here with me tonight? // someday we’ll know if love can move a mountain / someday we’ll know why the sky is blue / someday we’ll know why i wasn’t meant for you / someday we’ll know why samson loved delilah / one day i’ll go dancing on the moon / someday you’ll know that i was the one for you…
i really lost every hope… but what should i do??? i won´t call her back or write or something like that - that´s no use at all… and - fuck - she knows everything what´s up inside of me - what does she want??? that´s really the first time it´s hardly possible for me to comprehend her acts.
anything inside my head just asks again and again - i wish i could turn it off… and the most cruel thought is that one of her and this fuckin guy - daniel i guess - together as one… i kinda knew it all before - i ad a strange feeling the time she got involved with im and the same feeling came back when we met 2 weeks ago… i can´t fuckin understand why all this always happens to me… some people get everyone they want - and i only want one - the only one - and i burn my heart every time i try to approach - IS THAT FUCKIN FAIR???
i know it´s not up to me to demand anything - but anyway - it hurts so much… and i´m afraid of becoming cold. i simply don´t wanna feel no more - not these feelings… if i didn´t know how beautiful love could be - and i was shown by just 1 person - i´d probably have given up. strange strange… everything hurts - every movement, every thought and i…. i start to reject these feelings… i can´t really realize these feelings anymore - don´t wanna be their stepping stone anymore - don´t wanna be hurt anymore. i ´hope she´s happy anyway… well… only one last question: should i leave the battleground or try on fighting a guerilla-war? or asked differently: is finflly everything lost? i think so - but can hardly believe…
i´d rather die than live on like this - the edge will break - i feel it - god must be an asshole… thanx to anyone who tried to help me - but the one i need i won´t ever get… WHY DAMN WHY MUST ALL THIS HAPPEN TO ME? am i such a DAMN FUCKIN BAD MAN???
i´m becoming so frustrated… so many idiots - so many proles. rape of emotions, rape of thoughts, rape of ideals and attitudes, rape of glory - what´s happened to humanity? to true feelings? to criticism?
it may sound prude - but sometimes i think, love and sex really shouldn´t be separated - not anymore… it´s too valuable. don´t wanna waste myself - just giving everything to the one who´s worth opening so much.
ok ok! enough of frustration - that was this morning… it´s evening now… and i´ve got my emotions under control again - probably i shouldn´t write so much in the morning… i´m always so melancholic then… ok - i should be looking forward to next week - and i do - despite the fear!
dad is so fuckin annoying again - he should go and fuck himself! had another conversation with xaida last night - she´s really cute and helps me to keep confusion as small as possible. then another girl contacted me - liv from australia (hey to you!). she seems to be really, really nice too… sometimes it makes me kinda sad that you can have contact with people from all over the world via the net - but it´s so hard to meet them actually irl then. scotty - damn - invent beaming!!!
i´m on the train home from innsbruck right now. grrrr… it´s such a strange feeling. just the wrong direction. corinna´s in luzern now - visiting a friend. man - i miss her so much. one might think that i´m goin insane but sitting here in this train and moving further away - it hurts. it feels like my heart´s connected to hers by an invisible bond - and the more we separate, the more it´s stretched and couses painful aching in my heart. hmmm… why doesn´t she feel similar? or is it just that she doesn´t show?
i was such an idiot - i could´ve done it so much better. i don´t even deserve her - so it´s even worse how much i need her. she´s my drug - a metaphor - so often used, so often ABused - but it´s exactly the way i feel - i´m on turkey - and it won´t get better till i´ll get my next sniff. and the best: overdose´s impossible!
right now i am in innsbruck. i´m “ill” since wednesday. quite good feeling to have some days off. i arrived here yesterday. i was so excited coz i was expecting to meet corinna - and… i did so… even if it was just for 20 minutes - but it was so incredible - and i still can´t believe it - still think it was a dream… it´s so very strange. i really know her very well - but… i really cannot judge her behaviour. on the one hand i feel, that there still ARE showing up feelings from er towards me - at least i hope so… but i really begin to doubt my own understanding for her. I always used to understand her staying in geneva till december - but now she even thinks about staying there longer - and i ask myself: would she do that if she really still sees a chance for us? I know how important freedom is for her - and i´m so fuckin ready to respect and accept this - to give her any freedom she wants and needs - if i only could have her back and become happy again. hmmm… but isn´t there a limit? if one means so much to another person, isn´t there the separation hard for both? even if they aren´t a couple anymore? and i dunno if i can feel this…
all i know is: i goddamn need her and don´t know if i could survive another christmas & new year´s eve (2000…) alone & without her again. man… she is the one i need - the only one i want. most of the others say it seems like she´s only playing a game - but one thing i know: she couldn´t EVER do so! she once said: “if something´s told you often enough you finally believe it - anything” - i really hope she was wrong. she´s the one i´m made for. she should be with me till the end of my life. I want her to be my kids´ mom. i love her so much it hurts. and finally i´m sure that it isn´t offended pride - it IS love. i´d wait for her forever - but i don´t know if i was able to survive then. i feel myself lacking energy, lacking fuel - she´s my energizer - my inspiration - and if there actually is a meaning of live - i found it!
and there are just 2 options: she wants me again - or i don´t want anymore - “if i can´t have you i don´t want nobody - baby!”
i´m a fool - an idiot - i risked the luck of my life - i was a fuckin egoist and now all comes back - a million times more severe… tearing out one´s heart can´t hurt that much. and if anyone knows what straight fuckin edge means to me… for her i´d piss myself to unconsciousness - and the worst: everything´s my own fault!
Baby - i love you!