it´s monday today - shitshitshit. i wanted to “become ill” on thursday to be able to go to innsbruck till sunday - vistit georg, andi & martin and the others like kerstin, iris & franzi. but - actuallay i´m really becoming sick. maybe i should stay at home from work already on wednesday, to have a day to recover. on friday corinna leaves italy to geneva again… via innsbruck - so we have a great cance to meet - if it´s ok with her. just 4 more weex till my holidays. maybe it´s quite good to be ill now - so the chance not to be then is much bigger. this weekend i played the 1st time with “detonate”… hmmm… prole-metal - don´t think i´ll stay with them. on saturday steve´s mom died - poor him… and my fuckin computer crashed this weekend, so that i had to completely resetup. bad luck - hopefully the situation changes again at least till friday - and keeps being lucky for a longer time then.
Monthly Archive for September, 1999
merkwürdig…
unruhe - im innersten des herzens
sehnsucht, schuld, angst, ungeduld
es scheint ich bin gewöhnt an schmerzen
es SCHEINT zumindest sodoch die leute rund um mich
wundern sich
meine laune
so gut wie selten sonsttatsächlich in 2 welten leben
die eine echt, die and´re nicht
wird es jemals erlösung geben?
ich liebe und vermisse dich!
had quite a busy week(end).
“straight through this” was quite much fun. steve - our new guitarist - was with us on air. it was so trashy! and even people in other shows talked about us coz we´d produced so much crap… hehehe…
on thursday i met with barbara - corinnas older sister. man - she´s a real cutie too. and she reminded me so damn much of corinna. they really can´t deny at all that they´re sisters! after the meeting i got a call from asshole manuel from XantithesisX - he´s such a wanker! he threatened to call the police (”anarchy fucka!”) if i wouldn´t change his hacked page again - and the best: i didn´t have to do anything with it!… tststs… he also got on my nerves by icq & my guestbook - this anti-pc-rightwing-idiot shall fuck off! i guess we got a idiot of the month october… - the YantithesisY-collective. well… i´m also trying to reduce my internet-consume anyway coz 1. i´ve got better tings to do and 2. it´s expensive.
on friday i went shopping ten & in the evening “refusal till flatline” had the first jamsession with ist final and complete line-up. it was ok - even thoug it was a bit borious - but our style´ll change anyway & develop our own style. then on sunday the “topless muffins” played together for the first time. but still without bass… it was… cool! but it´s not really the think i basically wanted to do. it´s quite an own style. kinda impro-jazz-rock. and we fit perfectly together. concerning the music and the people. it´s simply fun!
and tomorrow i´ll probably go and see the “detonation”-guys… but i won´t have enough time for 3 bynds, a radiosow, training, work, friends and hopefully a girlfriend soon again i fear…
well… and i wonder what´s up with corinna. she didn´t reply yet… maybe i´m paranoid. i tried to call her twice, sent her sms´s and a “normal” letter. i guess it´s just coz she´s really busy. anyway… i´ve got a shitty feeling… kinda premonition… sid the oracle…
i dreamt of corinna again… hmmm… strange… but beautiful… and terrible at the same time - coz when you wake up, right when you wanna reach for it the dream bursts like a soapbubble… sent her a letter today - the 1st “real” letter for months.
this week is quite busy… yesterday i met monika from life radio, today i´ll meet gudrun and heve the “straight through this” radio show then, tomorrow i´ll meet barbara, on friday i´ll practice with “refusal till flatline”, on saturday i´ll meet iris - and hopefully georg - and finally on sunday i´ll practice with the coverband… i wanted to name it “the wanderers” - but i think “the topless muffins” would be cooler…
well… and next week i´ll become “ill” i think. i don´t really feel very well anyway and i think i deserve some days off…
by the way i hate missing and also getting used to it!
does anybody know how this feels like???
the heart tumblin´ and about to break out
out of the chest - followed by tears
tears - caused by loneliness
searching for ease
searching for you
trying to get peace again
the peace that used to be the shelter
of love and hope - against this world
trying to seperate us…
i was quite surprised when i read gan´s entry today: “[...] The whole situation with me and Doug and Andrea and Mario seems like one big soap opera though. [...]” - right - but it really isn´t of my business… i´m pulled into that situation and refusing this - i´m not an actor of THIS soap opera!
i had a strange dream about corinna tonite… hmmmm… and i just remembered the day we 1st met… it´s such a beautiful memory… sometimes i simply cannot help remembering. is was too great - kinda like a tale… but on the other hand it still hurts. the feeling that it´ll never be the same again… hmmm… sometimes i think i missed the biggest chance in my life - i failed the most important test.
hannah published a very nice text on her confusion-page. the only thing that makes me really thoughtful is, that i fear zhat it has got something to do with me. different circumstances would turn this out to be great - but as things are now… i could get some so very nice girls *conceitedme* now - but the most beautiful one still owns my heart. and ever will i think…
yesterdays entry is really weird… but honest… it simply was too much for that moment… lack of sleep and then all these accusations… well… retrospectively i can say that it wasn´t that extreme as it might sound. but anyway - i´m feeling myself becoming jealous again…
yeah… even kick me when i´m down - i´m no machine - i need love too… have so much to give - and i wanna be like refused
yeah… finally i finished the new-designed homepage. i really love it - compared to the former design… it looks more professional.
tonite “refusal till flatline” ´ll play for the 1st time. i´m really excited & looking forward. basically i´m just living my everyday life - and so i´m always happy about such changes. 6 more weeks till holidays - yeah man! cool!
had a concersation with andrea - a really nice girl from canada - this week. the world seem t o be so small sometimes. we found out that she knows gan too & the guy gan´s dating now is andreas ex… whatta strange world…
monday again… “i don´t like mondays” - a cool song… the weekend was quite ok - quite busy - and so time passes by faster - and that´s cool! i miss my honey…
hmmmm… hannah told me that she probably wouldn´t come to the united states with me if corinna & me would become a couple again… well - i doubt that anyway - but if i have to i will. i will anyway - it´s the thing i wanna do - i really wanna do - and the 1st time in my life i won´t give in - i won´t change my plans - i will make it!
anyway i hope vanilla´ll come with me - coz probably i wouldn´t find anyone to stand in for her - especially noone who could and the candle to her… but maybe *hopefully* she´ll finally change her mind…
as i said i had a busy weekend - at least for my conditions… friday i was in town with woody till about 3am i think - it was really fun… saturday i had a lazy day till evening. then i went to linz to work for “life radio” at the “linzer klangwolke” down at the danube - man - 120.000 people…
at 11pm i met woody to meet our guitarist-applicant for the 1st time. a strange guy. he´s 29, the nephew of the trainer of “rapid vienna”- footballclub, ex-mountainbike-downhill-pro (#47 in worldcup) and he´s been playing the 6strings for at least about 15 years now. he´s searchin for some guys to play uncompromising hardcore - no metal-shit he said. but for im the music is more important than the lyrix - hmmm… but it should be ok anyway… he loves the style of ryker´s and strife. he´s got an own view of hc - but it´s anyway ok. and then… hehehe… he works at a peepshow and the 1st thing we saw when we entered his appartment was a nude-picture of his girlfriend. he´s weirs but i kinda feel it´s gonna be cool to play with him. we´ll see next wekend - amd we´re gonna smash the scene then!!!
well… i came home at 3 again on saturday - so i was in bed all day and had a really sleepy day yesterday. and then i started to work out a new design for my page - retrostyle - looks kinda cool - should be online in a few weeks.
that´s my life right now - everyday life. work sucks, but i can live with it now. i worry about vanilla… she´s so strange.. i wish i could help her… head´s up… i´ll be there for you!
wow - it´s september… the last 2 days were quite strange… i felt empty and angry… didn´t like myself… but today i got a really nice letter from hannah - and yesterday a mail from corinna… and so it´s really easier to be happier again… i found 2 passages in albert camus´ “the pest” which express the feelings i have when i look back to whole 1999 very well… i´ll add it soon - but sorry… it is in german.
today i saw the first time a man getting apprehended by the police… 6 against 1… these idiots are really hideous and brutal… grrrr…
i´m gonna have another “straight through this” session tonite again - hopefully it´s gonna be fun again!