was at a concert at wiener neustadt today… reframe the concept fuckin ruled, h-street and mar were ok - falltime was boring…
i was taught another lesson about friendship, unity, the scene, love and separations…
Monthly Archive for August, 1999
man, man, man,… so very confusing (this is gonna become my favourite word…)
hannah is right… i understand her so very well. it´s so scary that the internet shows actually effects on “real” life too now. man… probably confusion was at it´s peak yesterday. emodium-corinna was online the first time for months again. and that caused even more misunderstandings. well… let´s not talk about this internet-stuff… i really would stop being online so much… hmmm… but on the other hand it´s the only way to be in contact with some people i really like.
but at least the whole yesterday´s situation had one great effect: coz corinna was quite confused too she called me to be sure what´s up & so we had our 2nd conversation in 10 days - which doesn´t really make the whole thing easier… but i´m glad anyway… 57 more days till we meet again… time seems to pass by faster & faster. cool… sometimes i think i messed it all up - maybe i really did - hopefully not - probably i would never get over that…
probably i´m gonna go to vienna tomorrow to watch a show with h-street, falltime & mar. i know all of them and so it should be fun!
who are you to judge others?
you call yourself alternative - you aren´t!
you call yourself left-wing - coz it´s cool!
you judge me for my lifestyle - you judge others for being different
in fact you are just stubborn & conservative middle-class jerks - i h8 you - fuck you!
someone embrace me…
“enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked…You’re not as fat as you imagine.
don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
do one thing everyday that scares you
sing
don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.
floss
don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end it’s only with yourself.
remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.
stretch
don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.
get plenty of calcium
be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.
maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either - your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.
enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.
dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.
do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
get to know your parents, you’ll never know when they’ll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.
live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
travel.
accept certain inalienable truths, price will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
respect your elders.
don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.
don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time it’s 40, it will look 85.
be careful who advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.”
by baz luhrmann
sometimes i´m really afraid of growing old without anyone to love or to be loved by. that really scares me… the vision of getting older and older - all alone - still having the burning desire inside of the heart… to find the other part… the part that fits… the “perfect match”… i´m afraid to miss the chance to decide wether it´s the right or the wrong person. it scares me to have those feelings i actually have…
maybe that´s the basic fear of mankind… to be alone - without love. out in a cold world - trapped in hopelessness and surrounded by laughing people who actually are NOT alone, confident and happy with their lifes. can anyone understand these thoughts? i know at least true friends can. and maybe at least we´ll stay together forever and ever… giving warmth and strength and security in a world of despair and egoism…
“i feel lucky and sad. strange feelings. why are there only few precious persons in my life? few who can turn into precious ones if u catch the chance? i think it would be ok if there were only them. but why do they have to live so far away from me? they could give more warmth to my life. maybe i even could give them some warmth and safety too. but its hard if you cant even see them when u like.
i wanna feel safe thats it.
i think this is what i seek for. and i think i deserve it. and i think its not only one person who can give that to u or to me. i think even more persons are able to give u the feeling of safety and love. is that strange? i think if you find precious persons u can love more than one in your life. i think, but i dunno. real love can share and multiply.
now internet turns really into a medium of communication.
i cant get used to it.
but now i have to.”
by hannah
what do you tink about that? sometimes i feel myself being so unimportant - so trivial… seems like a philosopher wo can´t express his feelings the way he needs to. but i´m glad there ARE people who CAN express their feelings. at least a thousand times better than i can - and i´m unbelievably happy that i got to know a few - which is by far enough to ease the pressure - my pressure… thank you!
“oh mädchen / du bist alles / was mich hier noch hält / doch die zeit mit dir und die / zeit ohne dich ist / gerade das was / mich verwirrt / liebe freunde / seid mir nicht böse / ich weiß ihr / meint´s nur gut doch / alles lob und / alle kritik ich / krieg´s nicht mehr unter / meinen hut // bitte bitte bitte gebt mir / meinen verstand zurück bitte / bitte bitte bitte gebt mir / meinen verstand zurück // meine eltern / meine eltern / alles was ich / immer wollte / älter älter / älter oh / ahahah ahah // bitte bitte bitte gebt mir / meinen verstand zurück bitte / bitte bitte bitte gebt mir / meinen verstand zurück // gebt mir meinen verstand zurück bitte bitte gebt mir meinen verstand zurück…”
by tocotronic
i should be so happy… and in a way i am…
on wednesday i called corinna after the radio show. i left a message on her mailbox. and - after i had arrived home she sms-ed back. i replied and - a minute later the phone rang. it was very confusing. i´m not really used to talking to her anymore. it was an emotional mixture of happiness, desire, closeness & uncertainty. she emailed me then the day after and it made me feel a bit more secure. well - i got really many mails thet made me quite happy this week…
when we had the “straight through this”-show on wednesday i greeted gan via webcam - man - i didn´t think it would affect her very much… but in fact it seems to make her very appy - and that´s what i´m glad about.
then i got a very nice m@il from hannah - she´s such a cutie. and then i also recieved an e-m@il from lauren yesterday… i thought she already had forgotten me - but the thing is that she´d lost my adress… hope to meet her again in miami.
corinna´ll return not later than december. and she´s already thinkin of leaving to tyrol in january for 3 months again - grrr… - wellbut maybe it wouldn´t even be such a bad idea. cos it would be about the same time when i´m in america. and who knows how it´s gonna be then anyway?i hope the $ will be sufficient - i hate this dependence on money! - anarchy! ;-)
yesterday i had a conversation with mehgan. i really wondered that we talked to each other that way again. didn´t think we´d do that so soon again. and i kinda admire her… i don´t think i could be that strong as she is now - or at least pretends to be. the thing is that it´s quite strange how well we know each other. but i think she can´t really understand the corinna thing… well… i think in fact it IS hard to comprehend that situation.
then i got great emails from hannah which also kinda confused me. we seem to be lifelong friends - already knowing the other´s thoughts before (s)he speaks them out loudly. strange, strange,… remember: 4 months ago we didn´t even know each other… hmmm…
now… it seems as if there ARE people who understand me after all. i wonder what corinna would say if i talked to her about that? would she also understand me? well… it´s such a long time ago that we talked like that the last time… but… yes - i bet she would understand me too… it´s hard to feel how the memory of emotions fades and blurs… that´s unfair - and just causes confusion. especially when they flash back the next time you see the other person again.
i just would like to thank anyone who helps me out of these valleys of strange thoughts & emotions. sometimes i think that´s just a “problem” of critical sXe-kids. maybe it´s because a way of running away and hiding by intoxicating oneself is missing if one lives the drugfree way. even if *punkbro* andy said, that anyone has such thoughts sometimes… hmmm… i really doubt that. i can´t really believe that all of those proles i often see in town are even ABLE to think - and then they should even think about such complex philosophical things.
but maybe andy´s right - although it´s really hard to believe for me…
had a few other conversations today…
#1… a freak at work - man this guy is crazy… he told me about his change of name and what he associates with different names. now i know what being nuts actually means… the word got defined new. i could´ve laughed at him all the time - if it wasn´t that sad that he was serious…
#2… had quite a cool conversation with gudrun. it was a bout friendship. she said she imagines life as a line that´s parted by marks and every part of it stands for a “segment” of life. and besides each part there are different smaller lines - exactly as long as each segment. these stand for one´s friends (f.ex. at school, at work,…). but there are just a few lines (one or two) which describe curves going beyond the marks that limit each segment of life. and these curves stand for the few REAL friends one has… intelligent - isn´t it?
#3… then at the fitness-studio i talked to a guy who took himself to be a philosopher (”you know - i AM quite intelligent… blah blah”) - but in fact he was a prole-idiot (”some girls need to be bashed” - and shit like that and even worse… fuck you asshole!) but actually this wanker told me one thing that really interested me…: he said that he had found out a way to bring the subconscious to consciousness… he heard that from indian myths and stuff like that…ok: if you listen to a pleasant noise at night, and fall asleep while concentrating on it and combining it with a beautiful imagination (he called that “to see”), a part of yourself will stay awake and you´ll be able to bring subconsciousness to your consciousness… he´s really a weird idiot - i don´t know if that workx, but it sounds interesting…
2 more months till holydays… *lookingforward* - and tomorrow i´ll go out with georg… *changerules*
hannah left today… we had a great time - a really great time together. she´s quite calm but so damn cute. we visited a party, went out to lake attersee visited the cemetery @ night and most of the time we were just lazy. first she wanted to leave yesterday - but then she even stayed till today… and left this morning…
it´s so very very strange… confusion of feelings. always - every time - every minute my goddamn cellular is on… but this weekend my accumulator got empty - argh… and… grrr… as soon as i turned it on after just a few hours a message of corinna was on the mail-box. ARGH! once it´s not turned on - and qt calls… the first after nearly 2 months… bad luck - shitty timing… and then i wanted to reply a sms - and… the service was unavailable - great! shit…
but at least i´m consoled coz i got to know bubblecutie hannah - i think our trip´ll be grrrreeeaaat fun! hope it´s not gonna be too complicated…
but first i´ll go straight to geneva in october… just 2 more months. ow´s it gonna be? i don´t know at all… i´ve no glue… i´m very unsure bout it. we´ll see - who knows… do you believe in fate?
today - the day of the eclipse… ok - it was quite impressive (although i could see hardly anything special cos of the clouds) but it was not THAT special; that most of the people had to become crazy as they seemed to sometimes. already in the morning at the train there was a very strange atmosphere… really weird - as if it really was the end of the world.
well - the apocalypse has NOT taken place (yet) and everything´s as it used to be before again… but maybe i should try to gain power from such events…
i had another conversation with barbara today… she´s very cute too… (but not as cute as *spatzerl* corinna) also talked to gudrun quite a long time. although we haven´t really known each other for a very long time yet we really seem tounderstand each other. and then finally i was out with susi & ulli… it was fun - i just came home…
hannah´s gonna arrive tomorrow evening… cool! i hope the weather´ll be fine so that we can go swimming to a lake… she wanted “to see the mountains” - well…she will then… if the weather´s ok…
got my tongue piercing changed yesterday… it´s shorter now… and a thousand times cooler… i think i´ll get tattooed in the us… probably a tribe or a chinese sign…
i was in linz on friday to meet with some guys from “detonation” - a band which is looking for a drummer… they were very surprised and could hardly believe it was me playing there when they heard the flatline 7″. argh - we shouldn´t´ve split… so i could start playing with them at once - but at first i´ve got to listen to THEM once - they are a bit strange… some kinda *wepraisekorndeftonespitchshifterandlimpbizkit*-proles… quite the opposite of sXe… i dunno if i could stand it playing with such guys very long… but we´ll see what happens…
i´ve been in downtown wels then and met susi and 4 friends of her there who i haven´t seen for a long time… sandy was also there and i accompanied her home… it was really fun talking to her. i really haven´t seen her & susi for long… they´re always in vienna.
when i went home the moon looked so beautiful… i really adored this view and wished i wasn´t alone then…
yesterday i went to georg & martin… fun as usual - we had a lazy day. georg & me went out in the evening… i think it was the most frustrating evening for a long time… so damn boring! gan told me then she would like to visit me in december after all… hmmm… it´s kinda exciting what´s gonna happen then.
woody is still in amsterdam - he´ll return on tuesday… “the wanderers” should meet on tuesday then… haven´t got much time the next few weeks. i hope time´ll pass by fast till october… 4 more days till hannah arrives… yeah… some friends of my parents will be here too next weekend - it´s gonna be quite stressing… but at least it´s not te same as usual. got pictures of me and corinna from 98 today… these are the only existing pics of us together… well… and everyones crazy cos of wednesday´s total eclipse… *apocalypsenow* - hehehe
„straight through this“ – i really enjoyed it yesterday. we had live call ins with kai, juggi & toki. it was much better than last week but it must be improved even more – and hopefully we´re gonna get a better time to broadcast soon. woody also thinks theat we´re working together perfectly - but e´s afraid of me taking over stt. hmmm… i lack sleep… still? again? – who cares…? just 4 hrs of sleep. it´ll be quite hard not to fall at sleep at work. had another sms-conversation with corinna last night – man – you shouldn´t be that far away.
finally i also got to know the park-keeper-girl that always crosses the street in front of th windows of my workingplace in linz. her name´s elvira and she´s 23 – and she´s really nice… much nicer than my first impression was like – she always looks so serios in her uniform.
i´m gonna go bowling today with the jail-wankers… grrr… i should rather be in bed instead being occupied with those cats.
had a long conversation with woody again yesterday. i really seem to understand him – i think we feel quite the same about this whole hc and sxe – issue. he´s going to xamsterdamx today – lucky him! wanna have some days off too – and i think i´ll „take“ some soon ;-)
i´m glad that gan seems to be in a better mood again (the song is beautiful!) – looking forward to hannah – missing corinna