My own private Emocide

i really started to worry about gan - didn´t have any contact this weekend. so i went to work this morning and… the first thing that happened was that i met her at icq. she said we needed to talk seriously. after reading her latest writings i thought so too - but what the fuck shall i do? she called me an “egoistic asshole” - hahaha… yeah! - i told her the the same some weeks ago, and she negated it… she wrote in her diary that she´s already made a decision. sure i´m kinda sad but it also takes pressure from my soul and in a way i´m even glad that it isn´t anymore up to me to determine our future - i really tried to give us a chance.
well - she shall have fun with her 100s of guys who want to get involved with her - if it makes her happy… i´m sorry bout that, but it´s really ok for me. i do understand her although i don´t think it´s very fair. i thought she´s willing to wait… well - shit happens… maybe we missed a great chance - but it´s final. hmmm… she sais she´ll come anyway - but “as a friend” - man… i suggested that a hundred times. and i really tink that´s by far the best idea.
i think i can be proud to be at least an EGOISTIC asshole this time. cos if i wouldn´t have acted that way maybe the whole thing would´ve turned out the same as some months ago… it´s simply bad luck that it was her who gave up this time - shit happens - c´est la vie… i tried to make it better this time… - i failed - was it ME?
and mehgan: “you´re never ever ever ever there [...] your love is just a game” - i feel pity if you really think so - and it WAS ME who wanted to “take the time to get to know” you… (i´m sorry to be that presumptious to think this is about us) - ok then - i´m looking forward to you - become happy with hot kelly! - that´s the end of this story!
damn… my parents just arrived home - they were supposed to come tomorrow - don´t they have enough brain to at least call me before their coming back? now they´re fucking around cos the house isn´t tidied up yet - fuck you! i wanted to do that today - it´s not me who´s the idiot!
iris is coming over tonite - i´m really looking forward - it´s always great fun with her! hannah´ll visit me on aug. 12th - yeah! - she has already booked the hotel… i´ve got to talk to lars when he wants to come… fun & change - that´s what i really need urgently now…! and no news from corinna…